50 ways to annoy the dragon
by yaoifangirlHolly
Summary: One of many in my installments. : enjoy


**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters.**

**50 Ways to Annoy the dragon**

Tell him you think it's pervy that he calls Arthur "the young Pendragon".

Throw him sugar lumps.

Go on and on about how great you think Uther is.

Call him the slash dragon all the time.

Tell him his mighty roar doesn't scare you.

Ask him how many times Merlin has ignored his advice now. Is it 27?

Greet him by saying – "Yo, my Merlin/Arthur fanboy!"

Ask him if he'll give you a ride somewhere.

Tell him it's quite rude to fly off when Merlin is in the middle of asking him for advice.

Tell him he should have an advice column – "Ask slash dragon".

Throw a stick and ask him to fetch.

Ask him to be the vicar and marry Merlin and Arthur at their wedding.

Try to tie a pink ribbon around his neck.

Tell him he's being too bossy towards Merlin.

Tell him he's got it wrong, and that it's actually Merlin and Lancelot who are two sides of the same coin.

Tell him that Gwen seems to have her eye on Arthur and this might mess up the whole "coin thing" he's got going on.

Ask him if he has a giant litter tray.

Ask him if he wants you to get him another male dragon so he'll have some company, since he seems to be into "that sort of thing".

Ask him if he wants you to give him a manicure.

Ask him if he pooped on Uther's head and that's why the king chained him up.

Tell him he's getting a bit fat.

Ask him if he's ever accidentally gotten inside Merlin's head while he was "busy with Arthur".

Ask him if he wants to meet Mordred.

Decorate the dungeon part he lives in underground with IKEA furniture.

Offer to give him a makeover and put a blonde wig on him.

Bring how close Gwen and Arthur are getting into every conversation. Add "Merlin doesn't even get a look in these days, heck, it might end up being Gwen who helps Arthur unite the lands of Albion..."

Ask him when the last time he went to a dentist was.

Come down on behalf of Merlin and say "Merlin couldn't make it tonight to hear your pearls of wisdom, he's got a date with Nimueh."

Tell him that Merlin is pregnant. "Unfortunately Arthur just wasn't careful enough..."

Tell him you think his horns are a bit small.

Put up a sign that says "Cryptic free zone" in his underground cave.

Pat him sympathetically and say you understand that he ships Merlin and Arthur because he's so lonely.

Ask him if he's put an advert in the Lonely Hearts column.

Tell him to take a chill pill – "Okay so, Merlin saved the life of Mordred who is destined to kill Arthur, but I'm sure everything will work out just peachy..."

Ask him if he thinks it's ironic that Merlin is taking advice from him, a mythical beast, on how to kill other mythical beasts.

Sigh theatrically and say to him "If it's so important that the destiny unfolds perfectly, why don't you do it yourself?"

Ask if he wants to play Ping Pong with you.

Go to him and say "Merlin's dead." Wait for him to freak out for a few minutes, then say – "Dead excited about his date with Arthur!"

Refuse to be even remotely impressed by his fire breathing abilities.

Bring down a little diorama of the castle complete with miniature figurines of Merlin, Arthur, Gwen, Morgana, Uther and Gaius, and use it to show the dragon what he's been missing. Have the Uther figurine rolling in gold and laughing evilly.

When Merlin is laughing and saying to the dragon that there's no way he'll be helping Arthur, because the two of them hate each other, nudge the dragon sharply and say "Look at that! Subliminal sexual attraction from the start! Two sides of the same coin! Entwined destinies! Oh no, wait, that last one is Merlin and Lancelot..."

Tell him his skin looks a bit scaly and he should drink more water.

Sigh in an exasperated fashion. When the dragon asks you what is wrong, shout in a frustrated manner "How are Merlin and Arthur meant to unite the lands of Albion when they're too busy shagging each other all the time?!"

Ask him if he's guarding a golden egg that a young wizard will have to try and recover in order to proceed to the next task.

Ask him if he gave Harry Potter advice too.

Tell him you think the unicorn was cooler than him.

Say "ah, destiny schmestiny" to him whenever he brings it up.

Say to him "You're right, Merlin and Arthur are two sides of the same bed. Ah, coin, I meant coin!"

Refuse to visit him any more unless he joins the "I love Uther" club.

Blame him for turning Merlin gay by entrancing him with the shiny phallic Excalibur.


End file.
